Quotes and Fun

My life has been on and endless spiral of suck hell as of late so I thought I would look up some good quotes to see if they might inspire me to get out of this dilemma.

You be the judge:

Katherine Anne Porter
Our being is subject to all the chances of life. There are so many things we are capable of, that we could be or do. The possibilities are so great that we never, any of us, are more than one-fourth fulfilled.

Hmmm...written by a woman. I think she was actually complaining about why her husband couldn't afford Tiffany's crap for her because he coulda been working 4 jobs!!

Henry David Thoreau
Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake.

This dude ate WAAAAAYYYYY to many mushrooms out in the woods writing "Walden".

Hans Margolius
One man all by himself is nothing. Two people who belong together make a world.

But ya never get just TWO people do ya? No you got her ex and her mother and her shithead sister and lord knows the kids that ate too much damn lead paint and shit and think it's ok to cram Barney in the fucking microwave!

Sophocles
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is love.

There are two others that both start with "D"...death and divorce!! How does he know? He slept with little boys who thought he was a genius...get a woman that doesn't wanna hear how brilliant your ass is when she is handing you a load of laundry!

Malcolm S. Forbes
Presence is more than just being there.

Yeah no shit!! She was screaming my name the whole time he was there while I was at work!!!!

Holy crap I do any more of these and I am gonna stick a fish scaler through my temple.

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Random Thoughts 11-13-10

Sorry I have been neglecting ya'll, but school has been hell...still at the parents...keep getting sick...and tried to start a new job.

First thing...sports. My Denver Broncos are officially dead. At 2-6 I don't see anything that can help them...except for the other teams not to show up for the remaining 8 games. We are 32nd in rushing...which really sucks because there are only 32 teams. We are also 31st against the run...so we suck in the ground game on both sides.

They are calling for Josh McDaniels' head pretty bad around here. Fans also want him to go ahead and play Tim Tebow since the season is really over. I am one of those fans...it would be nice to see what he can do...because although Kyle Orton is passing pretty great, he just ain't a leader for the players to rally around.

My Michigan boys are bowl eligible with a record of 6-3...which will be 7-3 after we beat Purdue today and then 7-5 after we lose out next two to Wisconsin and Ohio State. So we go to the "Toilet Bowl"...wooo hoooooo!!!

I think I should say something about the Heisman race. Alot of folks have given it to Cam Newton from Auburn who is playing better than Michigan's Denard Robinson...BUT...an icy wind doth blow Reggie Bush style through the campus in Alabama. I guess his dad was selling his services to Mississippi State and others...which is illegal. Right now it's all just talk...but the FBI have hopped into this one so that makes me raise a major eyebrow. Plus he got kicked out of Florida for stealing laptops or tampons or something. Is he crooked? I don't know...but the allegations keep getting bigger and weightier with each day.

Ok let's talk some basketball and hockey! Nah let's not. Untill we get to March Madness I could care less about basketball...especially the pros. And hockey? When someone can explain what the fuck "icing the puck" is maybe I will take an interest.

So I guess i will let you in on what I am planning for school. In my TV Production class I have to pitch a 7-8 minute idea for my team to shoot...that is better than all of he other idiots pitches in my group. Some of my first posts on here dealt with bible study...and my take on the bible ( which I need to get back to ) and one of the greatest comics of all time, Sam Kinison, was a preacher and had interesting take on Jesus.

He said there was no way Jesus could have been married, because of the resurrection story. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSwG9Tojg9I

I thought that would make a great skit...so that is what I am pitching to the class. I of course will have to write the script and get all of the shot setups and all...but I think it will be fun. Hopefully they vote for it.

Gonna leave you on this note...Genghis Khan had a great quote about people like me:

Every man has a purpose in life, even if it's just to set a bad example.

That about sums me up...till next time...don't let the bastards keep ya down.

Dave

Sports Update 10-11-10

Shoulda done a 10/10/10 post but I was too mesmerized by the fact that we had trip 10's and actually played alot of poker yesterday in between doing homework and watching football.

As of right now I am actually trying something new. Ran out of the spicy brown mustard for my corn dogs and happened to look in the huge ziplock bag of stolen condiments from all the fast food places...you know that bag you have saved for either camping or the holocaust...and found a Arby's "Horsey Sauce".

Not too damn bad on a corn dog. Ok first football.

My M boys got pretty smacked around by Michigan State on Saturday...and how us losing 1 game to an undefeated team kicks us out of the AP 25 is beyond my ass...but we were.

Ash's Tigers showed their tails again and I think he is either praying for a new coaching approach or for the remaining teams on their schedule to be suddenly smitten with the potato famine.

Speaking of Ash's team...we also share a major intrest in the Carolina Panthers...which now really do need a complete overhaul. They suck harder than the girls I see hanging out in front of the "Lucky You" Motel down the street.

That would be even funnier if it was a joke...that hotel really is right down the street.

My Broncos also seem to have a chronic case of cranial rectus. Last week they rushed 20 times for 19 yds. Now I ain't no damn math scholar or nothing but even I know that shit ain't right.

We improved this week for I think 17 carries for 23 yards or something like that. Needless to say we can't run the fucking ball.

I do believe this is a Vegas year in both pro and college...because I couldn't pick a winner if I dug two feet up my nose.

Monday Night Football is on right now...and it is about as exciting as watching flies fuck. 4 field goals so far for the Jets...up 12-0. Apparently Randy Moss was NOT the enema that Brett Favre needed to get his shit rolling.

I swear watching the baseball playoffs is way more entertaining than watching these idiots run into each other and throw the ball to the wrong team over and over again.

I wonder if this has something to do with the CBA and possible lockout that is coming up? You would think if they wanted us to be behind the players they would be busting ass!

I have seen that wrinkled ol bitch with the saggy party balloon titties at the Waffle House move with more purpose than these prima donnas. It's sad is what it is.

Well folks I am too depressed to write anymore...untill next time..a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Life Update/Sports

Well as some of ya'll know my living arrangements have changed due to the 16 year old demon child and trying to get her to come correct. Hopefully it works, because living with the parents again is about as much fun as a root canal. I do thank the good lord they said yes because my credit makes me available only to rent a crack house or something.

Ok on to some sports. Well folks the first week of college football has come and gone. Ash's "Tigers" looked pretty crappy but still managed a win...watch for them to get killed by Auburn coming up. My Michigan Wolverines looked pretty spiffy and scored a nice win against UConn...which the coach Jim Edsel has turned that program into a giant killer. Trust me I was scared seeing them first on our schedule...a couple of years ago we lost to freakin Applacachin State on opening day in the big house.

Brian Kelly and the Notre Dame boys win their first and we have them next. Whomever wins that one I think will go on to have a good season...hopefully us.

All the other bigs played little crappy schools and most of them suffered a few problems but they still managed to win...except Oregon...who dropped 72 points on a crappy New Mexico team. I didn't theink they had football in New Mexico.

The biggest story of course was last night...Boise State, preseason #3, vs Virginia Tech, preseason #10. Boise is the wininngest program in college football for the past 5 years.

So predictions...Ash hopefully you will help me out.

SEC champ: Florida doesn't look to good so gotta go with 'Bama for the repeat.

Big Ten champ: Michigan has no shot and everyone is picking Ohio State...not me! Iowa Hawkeyes win.

Big East champ: Uconn lost to us and Pitt lost but it will come down to those two...I think UConn wins again.

ACC champ: Clemson still not strong enough...Florida State and Miami the toss up...Miami wins.

Big 12 champ: Last year for Nebraska and they look good and will win the north division. Texas will struggle without Colt McCoy...so Oklahoma wins in the end for it all.

Conference USA champ: The first of the "who cares" division...ECU Pirates take it.

MAC champ: The second "who cares" division...would like to say Central Michigan but gonna be nuts and say that Temple wins!!!

Mountain West champ: Utah is the only team that can beat BYU...so the Utes win.

PAC 10 champ: This one is tough...Lane Kiffin and USC dealing with the NCAA crawling up their ass but i think they will still have a great season...BUT!!! Jim Harbaugh takes Stanford all the way to a BCS bowl...and then leaves to be Michigan's new head coach.

Sun Belt champ: Part three of the "who cares"...Florida Atlantic

WAC champ: Simple...Boise State

National Championship: Oklahoma or Alalbama vs Boise State...Boise wins

Heisman Trophy goes to...Kellen Moore over Jake Locker

Till next time...

Dave

Pain

I know...pretty obscure topic for a blog post but when I get into it you will hopefully understand.

A few of you know my plight as of late and how I could almost chug down a gallon of disinfectant rather than put up with the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Your life sucks? Please come see the hell I am in. After about 30 minutes you will hug your wife, call your parents, and have no more temptations to kick the cat into the floor fan.

Why I am writing this post is because of a term that popped into my head that I had heard before, thought I really knew what it was, was dumb enough to believe it was true, and now consider the disinfectant or Mr. Bubble along with the toaster might make for the nice bathtub trip.

The term is: Unconditional Love

Have you heard of this shit? Have you been brain dead enough to believe in this shit? Well then maybe I can help you out with this one.

IT DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST!!!!

Okay maybe that was too harsh. It doesn't exist for HER!!! You on the other hand will have to love her even if she saws off your balls with a swiss army knife.

That shit scares me. New note to all. Cut off my dick and yes I am going to bleed to death but not before I catch you and bash your brains in with that Scooby Doo chia fucker you bought. Yes darling..."unconditional love" means we spend the afterlife together...apparently me dickless and you with hair that needs to be watered.

Sorry, I guess that was a little morbid. But that is "unconditional love". No matter what happens you HAVE to love her.

"Ohhh babe...so the wreck made the car catch on fire and it burnt up your crotch? Damn...so no more sex huh? Well we could still do the back d...oh hell that got burnt too. Damn babe. Oh and your lips are gone now so I guess that you can't do....yeah I understand. And your hands don't work anymore so I am gonna have to....oh NO babe I don't want anyone else!"

Needless to say the guy will stay. Now different scenario...

"Oh honey you got laid off? Well thats ok...except for who the fuck is going to pay for my hair appointment this week? And what about my nails? Look you broke motherfucker you need to just get to walking so I can have a man who actually loves me!"

There is no "unconditional love" folks. Trust me...there are "conditions".

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Quick Thought on Charities

Ok folks...I know I should finish the wonderful woman's article but just wanted to touch base on a few things.

First off I have been looking at a few charities that I think we should all take part in. First off George Carlin put me on a few that I think rate right up there with the Lung Cancer Society, the ASPCA, and of course the Jimmy V Foundation.

Beer Nuts. Now this might be thought of as the disease of Milwaukee, but I promise you folks this is starting to hit the major cities. If you have been out drinking and come home and cannot satisfy the wife that night...well my friend you might be suffering from Beer Nuts! They have a display behind the bar...i do believe we should all do our part and give to this so they can find a cure.

Cotton Balls
Apparently the final stage of Beer Nuts.

Now although I do endorse all of you to give to those...I myself have been looking into the St.Louis Chapter for the Totally Fucked. They seem to have quite a few incurable diseases over there...but I am thinking there needs to be some research on "frothing at the crotch". I think we need to help those poor people.

Till next time...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic

Dave

Women's Article Part 2

Yes folks Dave has returned to the hell that the wife refers to as "home". I am back in a wonderful embrace of her love while also trying to figure out how a 16 year old can actually be so damn stupid. Well she isn't relly "dumb"...just lost her sense of decent navigation. Stupid fucking Girl Scouts...sell some god damn cookies but can't teach girls how to not say yes to the first idiot they run across that promises them all the fun and prizes.

Hey dipshits! The man behind the curtain is a LOSER!!!!

Ok...sorry...had to get that out of my system.

Allright when I last left you on this topic we were dealing with another woman that has the brain power of oatmeal who writes shit to make other women happy. Apparently they all share that same mental equivalency. So let's dive into the next 4 things she has to say on the topic:

12 Simple ways to Have Better Sex Tonight

5. Strike a Pose Together

Dave thought...Huh? This bitch wants me to hop back into the 80's and "vogue" with my woman? No...sorry...that is a part of the 80's that should be dead. Strike a pose? Yeah...bend over the couch and I'll take a pic while I am...well...you know.

Her thought...actually I like what she says here, "Bending your body into different postions makes you stronger and more flexible, which can lead to better sex". Then she fucks it up by telling the woman to sign the guy up for yoga lessons too.

Gals...if you can bend over enough to lick your own crotch then I promise you...we will be MORE than happy. We don't need yoga...maybe some Viagra to make sure we can keep going for all of the positions you can bend into...but that's about it.

6. Pick Up The Phone

Dave thought...Hell Yeah!! This ain't no game show baby but you can phone a friend...as long as she is female and isn't so big that she has her own zip code.

Her thought...don't do "sexting" which I guess is sending nasty thoughts through text messages...talk dirty on the phone.

Women...look...we want dirty talk in person. On the phone is shit. Nobody has alot of fun playing with themselves while the other is saying nasty crap. Just come over...grab us by the back of the hair and say, "I want you to fuck the shit outta me".

Trust me...ALOT better results

7. Try Some New Products

Dave thought...ok...cause trust me babe just because it is called "Easy Off" doesn't mean it works in the bedroom.

Her thought...well pretty simple...by some KY jelly crap and see what happens.

Never understood why that stuff is named after the state I grew up in.

8. Skip the Small Talk

Dave thought...sure! If you want sex...just do it...talk is cheap anyway.

Her thought...Buy some stupid crap called "Lifestories" for $30 off of Amazon.

Well folks...that is all I can muster up tonight...9-12 coming soon. But guys please tell your women that these magazines are pointless!!

Untill then, once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Songs and Feelings

Sorry that it has been a bit, and I promise to finish the article. Can't do it right now because I am at the parent's house baby sitting their dogs while they galavant in California. They get beaches...I get the nastiest farts blown my way that you can imagine. I swear one of the ones the boxer let last night, and no sound mind you...this fucker has ninja shit going on, almost fused my left eye closed. To all you dog lovers...ya'll must like that aroma...but that shit ain't for me. I'll scoop a litter box in a heartbeat rather than be watching the tv and out of nowhere with no warning the toxic fumes of deviled eggs left in the sun for four hours slaps me in the face. That shit right there will almost make you call the dumb friends league and swear you just found his ass wandering down the street.

Ok. So I was screwing around on youtube and looking at the top 40 hits of the 80's by months and all and realized that we really put alot of feelings and memories into songs from our growing years. I mean I was born in 1972...and all I really remember from the 70's was listening to Smothers Brothers albums, the BeeGees, a little John Denver, and my two favorite songs ( please don't ask me why ) Cystal Gayle's "Don't it Make My Brown Eyes Blue", and Paul Simon's "Slip Sliding Away". Later in my life "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" would hold a more potent meaning.

But the 80's was my decade. MTV played music...what the fuck happened to that channel? The British Pop Invasion, the "one hit wonders", the "hair bands"...even soppy ol' Lionel Richie and all of the couple skate songs he cranked out.

Those "couple skate" songs hit home alot. Makes ya think about who you were going with at the time...well for that week. I never had a "steady" girlfriend. I was like that old bull in the joke, "Let's walk down...and fuck 'em all". But life in the 80's was so less complicated.

But the songs, you hear Tears For Fears and by God you will be singing, or Skid Row's horrible song "Youth Gone Wild" and if you are in the car people will see ya banging your head. I mean I can't even help but sing to the song I thought was the absolute worst "Mr Roboto" by Styx. And ya think back to where you first heard it, or maybe a special moment...hopefully "Mr Roboto" is not linked to any sexual experience for ya'll...otherwise you all are the twisted fucks and should be writing this blog and I am actually normal! And we all know that ain't the truth.

I took a History of Rock and Roll class at ACC ( which Metro did not let transfer ) and had to make my case on the difinitive song from the 80's...I mean Buffalo Springfield's song "For What It's Worth" is the song of the 60's, the BeeGees "Staying Alive" is the 70's, and Tears for Fears "Everbody Wants To Rule The World" is the 80's. My teacher didn't agree...I asked him what was and he couldn't answer so I said by God then mine is right.

Oh well...hopefully you all will comment a little on songs of the 80's or 70's...break up songs...party songs...just whatever.

Till next time a small look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Women's Articles

My chess folks...will be back moving tomorrow and running my team. I think my head is right enough to contemplate moves again...trust me, what happened in my house I would NEVER wish on a parent with a daughter. So I trudge on and try to make you laugh to keep my sanity.

Shelly somehow won a subscription to "Shape" magazine...we have no clue how...but I actually sat down with one and was perusing through it and found myself laughing so hard that she took it away. I of course stole it back to make this post.

I have no damn clue what women they find to write some of these articles, but lord they should either check some credentials or at least some brain cells...the first "article" I hold in question:

12 Simple Ways To Have Better Sex Tonight

Before I get into her ideas all I have to say is ladies just get naked and talk dirty...we like that. And guess what? If you keep it up after the first time it's even better the second!! We are simple creatures...it ain't that damn complicated.

One more disclaimer...she highlights her sections, so when I read them, as a man, the first thought from what she said screams out at me...so please understand.

1. Wash Away Your Worries

Dave thought...damn right!! Get in there and scrub that stinky thing!! I don't eat off a dirty plate!!

Her thought...take a bath and use a product that they advertise for $19 that I guess makes ya less stinky and contains "gonadotropin"...some kinda libido shit...but more or less buy this damn product.

2. Be In The Moment

Dave thought...we are ALWAYS "in the moment" you dumbass!! If you are sticking pizza rolls in the damn microwave you are in a "moment"! Need to write to her and explain the philosophy of "time".

Her thought...buy a book from some Phd from Indiana that tells you to ( and I swaer to God this is what it says ) "Start by sitting quietly for 10 minutes every morning, concentrating on your breath as it enters and leaves your body".

What in the living hell does that have to do with getting good nookie at night?? I mean nothing says I love you like sex in the morning...but damn! When I wake up with something stiff I am really hoping to find my wife right next to me to help me out rather than searching the house and find her sitting like Ghandi!

Please be forewarned...this one fucked me up on first thought...if you are squeamish please skip!

3. Say "Yes" To Cheese

Dave thought...HOLY SHIT!!! I say NO TO CHEESE!!! Get some Monistat 7 ya nasty ass!!!!

Her thought...buy another book by some woman who thinks eathing cheese...brie, whatever the hell that crap is ( us rednecks know american, swiss, and pray we NEVER see "fromunda"!!! ) and it contains some good chemicals and shit.

4. Pop Open Some Bubbly

Dave thought...real men don't drink champagne except one New Year's Eve...and that is because ya'll make us do it.

Her thought...get drunk!!

Hey!! We been using that tactic FOREVER!!! No woman needs a magazine to tell her that drinking booze makes for "better sex"! Well maybe not "better"...most of the time it's opening the car door to find your left shoe kinda sex but we are always ok with that!!

Ok folks I gotta break this into 3 parts...so there is the first 4.

Untill then...anoohter look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Retardation

I would like to apologize to my followers for not posting as of late. Most of you know what is happening at my house and I will do a full post on that pretty soon. Untill then I need to lash out about a few things...and hopefully entertain ya.

Somebody said it before me, but I always love to reiterate this one quote, "You have to take a test to drive a car, or pass school, or get a job...but they will let any idiot have a kid".

Folks, I am getting REALLY tired of the stupidity I am dealing with on a daily basis. I wish I had the finger power to sit here and type everything that I would like to...but this is a blog...not a damn novel. That my friends is almost in the works. And speaking of "blogs"...hell anyone can do one of these...now whether you read it or not is up to you. But if you do that stupid facebook crap...you have to read whatever the idiots that you allow on yours write. Case in point...this was on Shelly's:

Beware of those who announce to "Soar like Eagles" for they are the real "Turkey's" ......Eagles do not soar to be above others, but to better view the beautiful things they are a part of......Never selfish but selfless!

This has got to be the one of the dumbest things that some idiots forward in emails and cell phone messages. First off eagles are pretty much the highest on the food chain when it comes to birds. They "soar above" right before they come down and snatch your fucking cat. "Turkey's" have only two uses...holiday dinner and in between my fucking bread at lunch time. "Never selfish but selfless"...tell that to the rabbit that is getting ripped apart because his ass wasn't looking up!

Why don't people actually READ shit before they post it??? Or are they just too stupid and think "Wow!! That is really good! I bet others will read this and it will enlighten their day".

If that thought actually goes through some idiot's mind before they post this mindless drivel for me to actually have to sit and write this crap they should be locked into a porta potty and shoved off a cliff.

Seriously...if some dumb bastard was having a bad day and felt like slicing his wrists or guggling down a gallon of disinfectant, does this poster actually think this statement might change his mind? I would actually hope the reader who was having bad probs would have a whole new outlook on life and tell the dumbass that he is the one who should quit sniffing glue before be cuts and pastes retarded shit like that. And God forbid if it was an original thought...but some asshole came up with it...I hope he chokes on a golf ball.

Another thing about facebook ( I do not have an account...my wife does ) that is beyond stupid. All the messages that this person is now friends with this other person.

Who gives a fuck! How does that improve my life? I mean is it a celebration? Should I send a box of JujyFruits?? Or do I get a blowjob or some coupons to Kentucky Fried Chicken? Why in hell do I have to know that Julie and Stella are now friends? I swear I sat for about 10 minutes looking over Shelly's shit on facebook and I would rather have a rectal exam than tell people that facebook is part of my daily activities.

I have another piece to do that deals with a woman's magazine...that for some odd reason Shelly won a subscription to...but will tackle that on another day. But guys...if ya get a chance...seriously sit down and read the shit these women write in these things that are "supposed to help them understand us". It's enough to either make you laugh and look at your girl/wife and say "Do you actually believe this stupid shit??" or stick a fork in the toaster to stop the pain.

Untill then...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Random Thoughts 7-12-10

Just got a buncha crap running around my head and don't really have a good title for this post so since most of my thoughts are quite random ( i.e "Baby you look so good today, that dress...hey a quarter! ) I figured that would do. Hmmm...maybe my thoughts aren't random...oh well my ADD is I guess.

One of the bits I do on stage deals with stupid people over the course of time. For some odd reason I always see the first thing to happen alot of times to involve two rednecks...so think in your best Jeff Foxworthy voice ( or mine for that matter ) when reading some of these.

The first lobster caught:

"Dang Bill! What in the hell is that?"
"I dunno...but you reckon we could eat it?"

I have always wondered about that one...my first impulse would have been to smash the fucker with an oar.

First settlers to see the Rockies:

"Dang Bill! What in the hell we gonna do now?"
"Well...looks like home sweet home to me right here"

That one also applied to a settler if he was too stupid to fix that broken wagon wheel. Have you ever been in the country and seen that wagon wheel in the front yard?? A-ha!!

I also got to thinking that the only good thing that stupid people can enjoy...well besides watching the bug zapper for entertainment...is a magic act.

"Dang Bill! Where in the hell did that rabbit come from?"
"I dunno but I'm calling the cops! He just cut that bitch in half!"

It's thoughts like these that keep me awake at night and bother Shelly. But that stream of consciousness will take you alot of places if you let it. I was asleep and dreaming about Mary Ann off of Gilligan's Island and Ginger hopped in and right before anything good happened my mind slipped over and looked at Gilligan and thought, "Ya know...after you screwed up the rescue for just the second time I would have killed your ass and then we would all be..." And then I woke up with that epiphany and woke Shelly up to relay this awesome piece of info that I had come up with a 3 am.

Lesson to other married people...unless you think they may want sex at 3 in the morning...don't wake them up. My brilliant thought on a show from the 1970's did not go over to well.

Untill next time...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Newscast

Well folks LeBron james FINALLY told us where he was going...and of course I was wrong. Chicago seemed like the best pick, but oh well. Funny thing about all of this, is that before "The Decision" all anyone could talk about was LeBron...and now after it's STLL all they can fucking talk about. It's enough to make you chew your own damn foot off.

So since the ONLY news seems to LeBron...I thought I would pay a little tribute to George Carlin and do one of his newscasts. Most all of these are his, a few are mine, and a few are his that I modified.

So enjoy reading something that has NOTHING to do with LeBron James.

Welcome to Askewed News with your host Dave Baker!!! Take it away Dave!

Thank you Buffy...ok let's first look at the headlines:

"21 killed in 21 gun salute"

"Off duty policeman was killed by an on duty criminal"

"And a Milwaukee man was arrested Thursday for attempting to use food stamps to mail a box of macaroni and cheese"

If that ain't nutty I don't know what is! Ok here some of our major stories

"A Denver man was arrested early this morning for trying to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank"

Wonder if he tried to use the "vacuum sytem" like they have for the drive thru at the bank

"Santa Fe Blvd. was the scene of a freak accident when 6 freaks in a camper crashed into 3 freaks in a van".

"Medical researchers in Texas have discovered a disease which has no symptoms! It is impossible to detect and has no cure...fortunately it has been confined to San Marcos".

Glad to hear they are keepin it for themselves!

"Right outside of Charlotte, North Carolina at the Carowinds amusement park, 27 people suffered 12 hours of continued whiplash when a man claiming to be the Devil highjacked a rollercoaster".

"In downtown Denver this morning a passenger shot 6 people on the downtown bus, then asked for a transfer and shot 6 people on the crosstown bus. Due to this incident RTD is dicontinuing the transfer system".

"News from the capital, a spokesman for the Obama administration has said that many dead people are only really sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits".

That sounds like something that asshole would say!

"The same spokesperson when asked what the real problem with healthcare was answered, 'People are just living too long! And it is damn hard to kill yourself by locking up in the garage with the car running when you own a Prius' ".

"Here are the results of the latest Gallup Poll:
48% of the people were not home.
32% of the people made believe they were not home and
20% of the people have no front door".

"Out on Kentucky Lake this past Thursday, police arrested a one armed man who was bothering other boaters by continuosly rowing in a circle".

"Scientists in Buenos Aires announced yesterday that they have discovered a cure for apathy...so far though no one gives a fuck".

"And this just in...a man who was attempting to walk around the world...drowned today!"

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR ( with some help from George...we miss you ) friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Sports Again?

Yeah...but I feel the urge to binge and purge on the latest development that has arisen with what will be known as the "NFL's Biggest Bust"...JaMarcus Russel.

First off the idiot scored I think a 12 on the Wunderlik test...and folks...that ain't good. I mean that is the equivalent of that one weird kid in your elementary school class that licked the chalkboard and shit on the school bus.

But the big ass bastard could throw 70 yards from his knees. This of course got Al Davis ( the owner of the Oakland Raiders) drooling...anything done from the knees is good with him and this 270lb sack of shit was drafted #1.

He held out for a ton of cash and then didn't want to play. Didn't want to study game film...he was just there to get paid.

Took the stupid fuckers 3 seasons before they finally let him go. And of course now we find out he has an issue besides just plain old stupidity.

Apparently cough syrup with codeine makes for quite the tasty drink when ya mix it with Sprite and Jolly Ranchers. Hey Ed those are hard candies that are popular over here in the states...I call 'em "Gay Farmers".

Cocaine, Crack, Heroin, Marijuana, damn some Jim Beam!! Nope!! Gonna get fucked up off crap kids refuse to touch cause it tastes like dog shit.

Now I know what you are thinking..."how do you know what dog shit tastes like?" Well I was married twice before and I swear one of their attempts at cooking was so bad the flies in our back yard chipped in to get the screen door fixed. It might not have "literally" been dog shit...but I think it ran a close second.

And you have to have a prescription to get this shit! How does that work? Every two days, "Screw the liquor store...somebody give me a cold so I can cough alot!".

You would think that geting some vicadin and just drinking a 12 pack would suffice. But apparently this shit is BEYOND addictive...like fried chicken or dreams of Sandra Bullock naked.

Hey! You idiots at the NFL! If the boy can't figure out more than 3 problems on a test he is stupid! He ain't gonna do you no good and will most likely embarass you!! So don't draft him so he can get a good job making sure the napkins and the ketchup are always in the bag!!

Till next time...a look into the pissed off mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Oil Problem

Guys I was listening to George last night ( www.coasttocoastam.com ) and this BP clusterfuck is BEYOND alot worse than what the media is telling us...well what they are allowed to tell us. From what they were saying is that the media is getting $40k fines for getting around 65 feet from anything out there.

This thing is putting out 40% methane gas along with a lot of other bad shit and that it is a ticking time bomb. The people that are on the boat that is trying to drill the relief well are having to wear gas masks or they will die. The people on the coast have no clue that they are breathing this shit in and although it won't kill them right off the bat...but apparently the benzine that is mixed in with the methane and all...well just wait...in about a year alot of these people are gonna be diagnosed with cancer. And God knows what is going to happen if we have a hurricane or even a tropical storm hit this shit.

Folks I love a good conspiracy theory just as much as anyone else. Oswald didn't kill Kennedy, We didn't land on the moon the first time, and Bert and Ernie are gay...they just use seperate bads to fool us...but this isn't one of those. This is some real bad shit of epic proportions.

I am hoping my buddy Tort will post some stuff on here that he has found out...he can explain shit alot better than I can when it comes to techological crap. And if not here hopefully on the WAMAH site...http://wamah.myfreeforum.org/index.php

But do some research guys and see what all you can find out too, the website of the guy who was reporting all of this, http://www.enterprisemission.com/

It seems more on space stuff then this...but the guy really sounds like he knows what he is talking about.

Till next time, when I hope to have something funny to talk about...but my blog is for information as well as making ya laugh.

Dave

Latest Works

First off guys...thanks for the comments on the last couple of posts. Hell it makes me feel that I am actually touching a nerve or reaching out or maybe I might just know what in the hell I am talking about.

That keeps the dream of me getting on the radio alive. Typing this crap takes to long...I can run my mouth about this shit for a good 2 hour show a day. And of course touch on other topics as well.

Have ya'll noticed I have stayed off of politics so far? Gonna keep it that way till I find something beyond stupid to really have fun with. I know...it's been beyond stupid for awhile Dave!! Trust me...that iceberg has got alot of weight.

Ok...well maybe a few know, lord I have 3 damn followers who are on my team...the other one is my wife...talk about fishing in the tank at the Dr's office. They will kick your ass out for that...HMO don't cover a prostate exam and taking home that pretty tigerfish. But at least let me shout out to you all.

Eduardo lives in Buenos Aires and has a sailboat. Hey Ash...your john boat out on the pond ain't got nothing on my buddy. He is also a psychiatrist...so far he thinks my problem deals with my lifelong fear of wallpaper. Or something along those lines.

Phil...the whiskeyrebel...who somehow became "paul" on here ( what?? ) is a published author and I swear the one man who gets it besides me...and of course since Carlin died.

Tiger...Ash...my buddy for too many years and the man who saved me from going to jail alot by beating up drunk asses because they couldn't deal with us in pool. In APA...I am a solid 5...Ash is a 7...chess...well...pool...he'll take your rent money.

Shelly...the wife. Published poet. And so far the only woman who understands me...thank God for medication.

I have been really wanting to sit down and work on my book...but orders have slowed me down on that. Not only orders...but I keep looking at shit and wanting to do something with it. That is what happened today.

I am getting two more forks glued for Shelly's family and I had to go into one of my drawers for another grinding wheel and saw this huge old file. Not a file you put papers in...a metal file. And I thought about an article I read in Blade magazine about a knifesmith starting out making knives out of files. So guess what? I ground it down...edged it up...and then slapped a handle on it!! Will be ready for display by Monday. I did a "sheepsfoot" pattern...kinda like a drop point for my first one. The wood is that really cool "lignum vitae". It turns blue...never seen anything like it...Ash has a knife with it.

Oh well...just kinda informative post tonight...will try and make ya'll laugh again soon.

Dave

Sports Drama

Need to take a break from "bible study" and run my mouth...well ok my fingers and brain...about some of the crap happening in sports. First you guys should know that my morning routine deals with watching Mike and Mike and Espn's First Take. Plus I have espn radio ( 1600 am here in Denver area ) on until our local show comes at 2pm and then change over to our local news station ( 850 am ) because the guys that do our local crap here are both about 70 years old and even with my plethora of sports knowledge I have no damn clue what they are talking about. Who gives a crap about how good the CU basketball program was in 1966? Not my ass. But needless to say sports and knowledge of sports is very big in our home. The tv is either on espn or the history channel almost all day.

Ok...first let me say I am sick to fucking death about hearing the name "LeBron James". This has gotten worse than "Brett Favre watch"!! If you don't know about this you of course are my buddy Eduardo who lives in Argentina. But I will break it down for him too.

LeBron James was drafted #1 by the Cleveland Cavaliers ( oops...Hey Ed...it's basketball ) and the guy is always compared to Michael Jordan...who most people ( me included ) thinks was the best NBA player of all time. To look at him I swear he should be playing tight end in the NFL. He is very gifted physically and is probably the best player in the league right now. Well he is a free agent and EVERY team wants him. Trust me, if we had the space in cap room I would love him to come to Denver...but that ain't gonna happen...so there are a few teams that have been courting him and of course some other marquee players that are on the market.

Well he and a couple of other superstars, Dwayne Wade of Miami and Chris Bosh of Toronto had a little "secret meeting"...not really "secret" because espn has been saying they were gonna do it for over a month...to decide what they all wanted to do and where to go. Espn actually called the meeting a "summit". That befuddles me because that term is usually reserved for high ranking officials of countries and their meetings about global warming, oil, or killing the asshole who came up with the Ice Capades. And I don't think you can have a "summit" with only 3 people...a "get-together, a cookout, a circle jerk yes...but not a summit.

The opening time for teams to actually talk to these players starts at exactly 12:01 tonight...or tomorrow morning...however you wanna look at it.

But guys this has been EVERYTHING that the bastards on espn have been talking about! You can barely catch game scores because of it. I for one am sick to death...kinda like when the radio station would take a good hit...and play the fucker twice an hour if not three times and within a week you couldn't stand the damn song anymore. Maybe that is another reason why I only listen to talk radio.

Allright...to end this shit I am going to enlighten all what will take place. Last year LeBron said he wasn't going to wear the #23 anymore. It was of course Michael Jordan's # and he was wearing it in tribute. When he said that I knew exactly what was going to happen.

LeBron and Chris Bosh are going to Chicago ( the house that Jordan built ) to play with a VERY good point guard, Derrick Rose.

Dwayne Wade stays in Miami and they add Joe Johnson to help him.

Paul Pierce stays in Boston...unless Mark Cuban who owns the Dallas Mavericks resigns Dirk Nowitski ( sp? ) and he is enticed to go there.

Other than that it's just a buncha crap! Folks you heard it here first! Unless i am wrong and then will delete this post and explain to everyone that I don't watch basketball...which I really don't and could care less about it except for the college final four.

Allright...now that got that shit out of my system another wonderful piece of news has popped up. Apparently Michael Vick is still a fucking idiot. You all know what he did before to get in jail and be put on the shortest least possible by the NFL. Ed just google Michael Vick and you will learn all.

Now it would appear he had a birthday party at a public establishment and invited the public to attend...although he did charge a $50 cover charge. I guess it went bad and one of his buddies got shot. Isn't amazing that the government is trying everything they can to take away guns from people like us...but these mentally fuck challenged sports stars have as many as they want and ALWAYS seem to do something stupid with them?

The kicker in this case is that Vick's lawyer told the league that he had left this party HOURS before the shooting. Well through the wonderful world of technology we have surveillance cameras and it seems he left somewhere in the 3 minute range of the shooting. So not only is he tied up in one more case of cranial rectus ( which is a anatomically and politically correct way to say "he had his head up his ass" ) he lied to the league...the same league that let him come back with a "0 screw up tolerance policy".

So I am guessing...and hoping actually...that they kick his ass out for good. So many sports stars just don't get it. It's a priveledge to play professional sports. It's a JOB! They are PUBLIC figures. But somehow alot of them just don't get that and think they can do whatever the hell they want. And not to be rascist...because I am not...I hate everybody equally...but untill dumbass Ben Rothlisberger pulled a couple of sexual assault charges all of this completely retarded shit was done by black atheletes. Just off the top of my head I will try and run down a short list of some of the crimes by black athelets over the past 10 years or so.

Lawrence Taylor in jail for having sex with a 16 year old ( trial pending ). Vick 2 years in jail for dog fighting and cruelty. Nate Newton busted I think twice with about 150lbs of marijuana. Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the leg at a night club. Pacman Jones...about 10 felony charges for all kinds of shit. Rae Carruth in prison for having his wife murdered. OJ Simpson...I think just saying his name is enough...lord folks the list is too huge for me to even really scratch the surface but that should give you a little bit of an idea.

Maybe because of this shit is why I watch college sports more than professional.

You guys have any thoughts on this? Please feel free to leave some comments. Hey Ed...do the soccer players in Argentina ever get into stupid trouble like the guys over here?

Allright I'm done...cause just talking about it makes me madder than watching it unfold everyday on the damn tv!!

Till next time

Dave

Bible Study Part 2

Hopefully my first little experiment in this did not offend anyone. I mean as a kid I grew up listening to Bill Cosby and his jokes from the bible. Trust me folks there really is alot of funny stuff in there if you look at it from just a different perspective.

Ok last time we dealt with Adam and Eve, and of course I am assuming the mention of some other woman. They ate the apple because the serpent told Eve to and then got kicked out the pool. They had two kids, Cain and Abel.

Now in chapter 4 we find out that Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain tilled the ground. Some time passed and they both brought an offering to the Lord...Abel brought a sheep and Cain brought some fruit. The Lord didn't want fruit, but was happy with the sheep and then went to find some mint jelly to go with the lamb chops. This little action right here folks should go ahead and debunk the damn vegetarians. We were meant to eat meat...and lamb, if done right, is quite tasty!

So because the Lord didn't want Cain's veggies he got pissed and then rose up killed Abel...damn sibling rivalry. So now Cain basically gets the boot and he heads out to the "Land of Nod" and finds him a wife. Now I reread that whole part about 10 times and I could not find where the bible mentions where in the hell she came from...so I am guessing a mail order bride from Portugal or he located a Sears catalog and they were still listing those along with the wheel, fire, and the oh so popular fig leave bustierre.

After that we get into alot of begating and of course incest and Adam must a had a never ending account at the GNC for his vitamins because he lived to be 930 years old. I am 38 and my body already hurts all the damn time and I walk into rooms and have no clue why I am there...what do you think 930 would feel like? Plus when in the hell did Social Security kick in?? 876? Sheesh.

Ok...then the Lord checks in with the people and apparently they were screwing up and were wicked...not to be confused with our slang definition of wicked that the kids in Britain seem to find so hip. Once again folks I read through all of that part and I can't find any rules or guidelines or hell even a nice suggestion for what these people were supposed to be doing...were they shitting on the lawn? Peeing in other people's water bottles? What were they doing??

I have no clue but it must have been bad so the Lord gets hold of Noah...which is quite the fun story and where we pick up next time...most likely after I take a break to cover some other topics.

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Bible Study Part 1

Ok folks before you get mad at me please remember...I have been doing stand up comedy for years. In no way, shape or form am I trying to offend you or make you convert to anything. I grew up a Mormon and got my Eagle Scout through the church.

I watched another AMAZING new apocolyptic movie the other night. The first one is "The Road"...please note on this one that it is beyond emotionally draining. 20 min in I felt the need for shower.

The 2nd, "The Book Of Eli"...this was a little more kickass...BUT it got me thinking about the Bible.

Now we all know it really is the greatest story ever told...of course I scream for Moby Dick but no one agrees.

So just for shits and giggles I wanna play "devil's advocate" ( no pun intended ) and have a little comic fun.

In the first two chapters we have something that has messed my head up.

First

Genesis 1:26-28 (King James Version)

26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

OK!! Our? Us? Who is he talking to? I know...the Angels and all. I will concede that one even though I was kinda taught he did this shit all by himself back in the day.

But wait a minute folks "male and female"???? Huh?? Nope. First there was Adam and that was IT!!! And then in Chapter 2 verse 18 God realized it would kinda suck for Adam to be all by his self. Ya'll know the rest...Adam goes to sleep, he takes his rib and then BOOYAH!!! We get Eve...and then the woman does what they all do, she bites the apple and makes him eat it and he loses his oh so wonderful happy home.

Nowadays it is called divorce...you walk out with a pair of socks going "What the fuck just happened to all the shit I bought?"

But go back folks...if I am reading right there seems to be another "female" in the damn garden!!

Of course some people say this is Lilith and I asked Shelly about it and apparently I am an idiot or something and should have learned some crap from the damn "Davinci Code".

Folks I wasn't around for the Council of Nicea...I have no clue what in the hell these people are talking about! Adam got made, took a nap, woke with a hot woman, she got horny due to the snake...the one in the grass or the one Adam had...they freaked out and threw some damn leaves on and then God kicked em out the pool. Then of course the incest happened and the origianl sibling rivalry ( which lets you know...don't have more than one kid!! ) but I will deal with that or something else at another time.

Once again look into the mind of YOUR friendly Neighborhood comic!

Dave

Chess Openings

I have done a few posts on chess since I started this blog and I feel I need to at least go off a little on openings and defences...but quickly I got to say something.

Apparently some woman is screaming that she has the "love child" of Bobby Fischer...so they are gonna dig his ass up and do some damn DNA crap. I know it's law and shit but damn folks...this just has a tint of sacreligious to me. I am going to say one thing about Bobby and then I will rest. He was the best...bar none. Karpov, Kasparov, Anand...I don't give a damn. Bobby was the BEST. As for his role in life apart from the 64 squares...I do not like one bit of it. Remember folks...there is a fine line between genius and stone cold fuck nuts...he passed it.

Remember him for his contribution to the 64 squares...and let's all try to forget the other crap.

Ok...as most know I play on Gameknot. There is another chess site that I actually helped build...but we won't talk about that one. So let's talk some openings.

When I was a kid I learned the Ruy Lopez for white and the Sicillian Najdorf for black ( both of Fischer's faves ). I used these two for years and then one day I made an order to Chess Digest and Ken Smith picked up the phone...he was one of Bobby's buddies back in the day. He started telling me that I will never get better untill I start putting gambits into my repertoire. He said, "Dave, you will fight alot harder being a pawn down".

I took that shit to heart. Tactics and strong endgame play are what make a chess player. Not memorizing 30 moves deep on the QGA. So I started playing around with openings that not alot of people played. I fell in love with the Philidor...and 15 years later it is still my main defence against 1.e4, and in a speed game I will throw the Philidor Counter Gambit on your ass and you will walk away mumbling...I almost beat Asa Hoffman with it. The Scotch Gambit! Took GM Gregory Kaidanov to about move 63 before I lost on time with that bad boy. The Balogh ( 1.e4 d6 2.Nf3 f5! ) spent alot of time talking and working with FM Keith Hayward on that one.

Against 1.d4 I almost always play the Benko Gambit now...got to meet Pal Benko when he had a layover at Charlotte Douglass airport...an amazing man.

So I guess what I am trying to say is don't always play the solid lines...play some shit that opens things up. You might lose but damn..it's just a game! Have fun!!

The masterpieces come from the obscure...not the things that have been analyzed to death.

Life is short my friends...and if you want to paint a picture...don't be afraid to play something that states, "Hey...either you get me or I am gonna get you...no draws today by God!!"

Once again a look into the mind of not only YOUR friendly Neighborhood comic...but your chess master as well.

Dave

Sports Headlines: Rant

I wanna go over a few of the things that of course is in the wide world of sports and all over the news and ESPN...but not the good ones...just the shit that is pissing me off.

World Cup

Ok folks...this was REALLY supposed to get America to love soccer in that we have a pretty good team and we got England right off the bat. Needless to say I watched it and we tied ( will get to that crap in a minute ) them. But after 15 minutes in I had to mute the damn TV due to those stupid fucking vuvuzela horns. What in the hell is wrong with those people? The damn things sound like a herd of West Nile mosquitoes and they blew the bastards for hours straight. Shelly asked me from the kitchen what in the hell was wrong with the TV and then asked if I had switched over to Animal Planet and was watching a documentary on bees. I of course informed her that apparently soccer fans are not only stupid but apparently tone deaf as well.

2nd...what in the hell is up with the timekeeping in this crap? All of the sudden 4 extra minutes get thrown onto the clock and NOBODY knows it untill some dumbass on the field that has a stopwatch and some form of Uno cards in his pocket tells them what the time should be. Folks...this is why Football in America will always rule over this mindless crap.

Finally...ties. This is just plain damn stupid. Give me a winner! We hate ties over here...they screw up the rating system...which is why most of us hate hockey and soccer...although hockey has started working on that shit with the shootout which is what soccer should do. I say if time runs out and the score is tied...no more kicking the damn ball. Flip a coin, winner gets the ball first, pick the damn thing up and play some rugby type shit and run over people and try to dive into the damn net. First team in wins. Simple and i bet would make people like it alot more.

College Football Conference Expansion

This was beyond fun for the past week. ESPN and other websites and me and my friends have been going nuts over a huge Pac-10 and the Big Ten and most likely the SEC getting up to 16 teams and trying to figure out where the leftovers would go from the Big 12 and the Big East ( which I said the MWC and the ACC would swallow up the teams nobody wanted )...but BLAM!! Texas gets a promise of money thrown at them and no more expansion. The damn "insiders" at ESPN really screwed the pooch on this crap. I am left so unsatisfied...kinda like getting some on the first date and then nothing for 6 dates after. As Granpa Joe said in Willie Wonka, "How can you build up a little boy's dreams and then smash them to pieces?" Now I am back to speculating exactly how much more soccer I can put up with before I stick a fish scaler through my temple.

Strasburg

Hey dumbasses! We knew he was awesome to begin with! I have only seen film on his college career for over a year. He was unhittable then...and the big boys can't hit him either. All of the sudden the analysts at ESPN act like they are giving Miss Cleo a run for her money by predicting this shit. Go back to Favre watch and figure that shit out cause we all knew about this.

Well folks that is about all I can muster up today without my head exploding like a zit on a 16 year old...so once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Sports

Thought I would at least let you all know how much I love sports and all as well as what teams I follow and crap.

Of course my favorite sport is football. Now I like college ALOT more than professional when it comes to this because alot of the pros are a buncha damn cry babies or thugs or just plain stupid. You all know what I am talking about. But then again some of the college players aren't playing with a full deck either...especially here in Colorado. We had the punter from Northern Colorado University who wanted to be the starting kicker so bad he stabbed the starter in the leg.

Needless to say he isn't in college anymore...hopefully there is some cans to kick in the pen. We also had a Colorado Buffalo player get so mad at a girl for breaking up on him he broke into her dorm room and took a shit in her closet. I don't know about you folks but I have been broke up with alot and have never done anything like that. I do give him credit for originality though...I guess the Nair in the shampoo just didn't quite say it for him.

But back to college...I am a HUGE Michigan fan. Now not because they are the winningest program in college football history, which you couldn't tell after the past 3 seasons, but because when I was 8 I thought they had the coolest uniforms.

When it comes to pro I have bounced around when it came to teams I like. Loved the Steelers in the 70's because of Lynn Swann. Loved the Broncos in the 80's because of John Elway. Tried my best to love the Detroit Lions in the 90's due to Barry Sanders...talk about a one sided deal there. And I was in SC when we got the Panthers. So they are my NFC team untill I die now. But I have since moved from there and now reside in Denver so I am back to following the Broncos. Trust me folks...I don't know how other major cities are...but these people are fucking nuts about their Broncos. They could almost care less about the Rockies, or the Avalanche or the Nuggets...But by God they LOVE their Broncos.

Ok...I also love baseball. Was a big Atlanta braves fan all through the 90's because of Ron Gant. He was the only ripped guy who wasn't on steroids. But now I live here and since The Rockies don't have that big of a following I am for them. I have been to about 5 games since i moved here and it really is a great ballpark...well except for the nudie bar prices on beer. I wish someone will tell these assholes "Hey!! They make the shit right down the road!! Can I get a discount?" Untill that happens I am stuck paying $6.50.

Other sports...well being from the south I like NASCAR...root for Jeff Gordon. Don't care too much for basketball. After Bird, Magic, and Jordan left it turned into the stupid hip hop and lets see who can have the most tattoos on their neck shit. I do like however to watch the college playoffs.

What else...well you know about chess and poker. I am also a decent pool player and can bowl in the 170's...damn...I guess that is about it.

Well untill next time some outlandish thing pops in my head..have fun!

Dave

Chess News

It would seem that Gata Kamsky has risen back to the top ranks and captured the US title again. He is one of the top players I have never gotten to meet...and after hearing alot about him I guess I might be lucky. I have hobnobbed with quite a few back in the day when I was still playing OTB tourneys...now I stick to playing online at Gameknot.

Also good ol Vishy took out Topalov to keep the World Championship under his belt. He better get prepared because I think this little Magnus Carlsen kid might have his number in the next defense.

I do still play alot online and try and keep up but as age keeps creeping on me, which I have refrenced to quite a bit as of late, I am finding myself not as sharp. I now am content with the draw rather than fighting into an endgame where i might have a slight advantage. That shit takes ALOT of brain power and patience...which it would seem I am starting to run in short supply of.

Luckily though all of the years of chess have really made me a VERY good poker player. I plan on hitting Blackhawk quite a few times this summer ( that is where our casinos are here in Colorado ) and hopefully win a few tourneys. It would be sweet to win the qualifier for the WSOP. I win that and get to go...well school will have to take a hiatus. I have been on TV alot...mostly on Comedy Central but NEVER on ESPN.

Now wouldn't that be a dream come true!

So all of you that might be reading this...look for nmdavidb either on Gameknot or over at Ultimatebet.

Sit down and play a game or a few hands with me!!

Dave

Another sign...

of geting old I guess of course is that I have absloutely no idea what music is popular now. I mean I hear some kind of crap blaring out of people's car windows sometimes but I really can't qualify it as "music".

I basically listen to all talk radio now...mostly ESPN Radio. I do catch some Limbaugh and a couple of the local political shows here and there and of course listen to Coast to Coast with George Nowry at night unless the wife wants to watch a movie for us to fall asleep to. But I started wondering when this change took place.

I think it happened for real when I was in Portland Oregon and living a miserable existence with a woman that had the intelligence level Cream of Wheat. I was about 30 and was sitting in the car on break from one of the mindless manufacturing jobs I held over the past 20 years and couldn't find any decent music to listen to so i switched to the AM station by accident. Remember when we were kids and all AM ever had on it was classical and old fogie shit? Well I do, which is why I was pleasently surprised to find people talking about stuff on there. I have been hooked ever since and of course am in school now to get my degree and hopefully be able to run my mouth on the radio.

But music really started dying in the 90's I guess. Either that and i am just stuck in the 80's and miss albums like ACDC used to put out that you could just put it on and let it play. Remember that shit? Then all of the sudden you would have to buy the whole record for 1 or 2 good songs and the rest was pretty much crap.

Now i hear the demon child playing this utter garbage called Tech 9 in her room and i swear it's enough to make you wanna stick a fish scaler through your temple so you don't have to hear it anymore.

Oh well...I guess I am just old and not with it anymore...which is ok...because I would rather pour honey on my balls and sit on an ant hill then listen to the crap they call music today.

Dave

Bathroom Stuff for Men!

I know, not the best subject I could actually talk about...but I found a company here that has the BEST stuff you could imagine.

I was messing around on Ebay about a year ago and looking at shaving soaps because I switched to using a straight razor. First off folks I know it sounds so scary to shave with one of these...but it really is not that hard and as long as you progress slowly when you start you shouldn't hurt yourself too much.

I started because the price of disposable razors keep going up and the Mach 5's or the Fusion's replacement blades will just kill your wallet. So I looked at the straight razors on Ebay and first went for where they are made. If you get one ALWAYS either Solingen Germany, Sheffield England, Or Eskilstuna Sweden. I have been dealing with knives all my life and those 3 cities you will NEVER go wrong.

Well brand new Dovos from Solingen ran about $200. I thought damn! That ain't saving any money...so I looked at vintage straight razors...used ones. My first one was a Solingen one that I got from a couple in Bulgaria. Their father had died and he was a barber and had shaved people with this razor for about 40 years. Got it for I think about $20. And it is the one razor I will NOT put a handle on. Check out my handmade crap and you will see what I mean.

Ok...got my razor. So now I need soap, a mug, a brush, a strop, and a hone. Mug and brush pretty easy to do...got a nice Old Spice one and it came with two brushes. Strop...bought a brand new one...Hone...first one was a 12,000 grit ( I now have 3 ranging from 1,000 to 15,000 ) and then I needed some soap.

Bought some handmade crap that seemed ok but just never worked great. Tried Williams shaving soap...which for the price folks is awesome. But then I found a small company out of Nebraska.

Th Ogallala Bay Rum Company. Tried their soap...not bad at all...but got some free samples of their other stuff and fell in love!!

The aftershave stopped my dry skin problem. Their balm cured the cracks in the wife's heels. The air fresheners make the house small great. The cologne is awesome and I wear it completely now...Shelly wears the limes and peppercorn and it makes her smell beyond sexy.

Trust me folks...the owner's name is John and we talk on the phone alot due to me starting up the straight razor honing business and we are working out a deal to make his stuff big here in Colorado.

So check it out and let me know what you think! I swear one product will make you want to have all of it.

WWW.ogallalabayrum.com

Dave

Getting Old

George Carlin talked about this alot...how we lie to ourselves and we don't say "I am getting old"...we say, "I am getting older". Trust me folks having the equivalent of a master's degree in the bullshit department I lie to myself alot.

Point being is that apparently while Shelly was in the hospital again and I being the wonderful hubby I am I pinched a nerve sleeping in that shitty recliner thing they offer. Slept there for 4 out of the 6 nights she was in.

Have you ever popped your arm out of socket right at the shoulder? Feels kinda funky for a bit when it happens...and then you deal with a very irritable pain for a few days and then it's gone. At 38 I think they have given up on irritable and gone for downright agony. I swear my shoulder feels like someone is cramming a needle into it.

I can't laugh or sneeze or even fart without almost passing out due to the pain. Needless to say I have been administering my own form of 12 oz anisthetic. Seems alcohol will cure stuff whether your pour it on ya or in ya. And add a few percocet and I can actually function for a bit.

It is sad though...getting old. Of course the opposite would really suck but it's hard to deal with this kinda crap. I don't skateboard anymore because when I miss a heelflip I end up laying on the pavement for about 10 minutes hoping my spleen is still intact. I still love to ride my bikes...I have a Specialized Rock Hopper mountain bike and my boy "Trigger", a 2002 Specialized 415 Pro...which is a 20" BMX. Punch that into Google and you can see him. Only about 15 were sold in the US...and i got one...sorry folks...not for sale.

But even riding those...especially the 20" wears me the hell out. I guess chess and poker are about all I can do anymore...those only make my head hurt from time to time.

Oh well...another look into the mind of your friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Hooray Arizona!!!

I am beyong happy that Arizona is finally taking the steps into ridding our country of illegal immigrants. Now of course there is a huge uprising against it here in Colorado...and mostly illegals and a buncha dumbasses doing it.

Illegals have been and continue to ruin our country. They exploit the system, cause more crime, have completely fucked up the schools and their funding, and now they are screaming they have rights.

What rights? The ones in the Constitution? The ones that protect me from you? Yep that is correct...you have no rights.

Either come here correct or get the hell out.

I can't wait for this bill to pass here!!!

Dave