My chess folks...will be back moving tomorrow and running my team. I think my head is right enough to contemplate moves again...trust me, what happened in my house I would NEVER wish on a parent with a daughter. So I trudge on and try to make you laugh to keep my sanity.
Shelly somehow won a subscription to "Shape" magazine...we have no clue how...but I actually sat down with one and was perusing through it and found myself laughing so hard that she took it away. I of course stole it back to make this post.
I have no damn clue what women they find to write some of these articles, but lord they should either check some credentials or at least some brain cells...the first "article" I hold in question:
12 Simple Ways To Have Better Sex Tonight
Before I get into her ideas all I have to say is ladies just get naked and talk dirty...we like that. And guess what? If you keep it up after the first time it's even better the second!! We are simple creatures...it ain't that damn complicated.
One more disclaimer...she highlights her sections, so when I read them, as a man, the first thought from what she said screams out at me...so please understand.
1. Wash Away Your Worries
Dave thought...damn right!! Get in there and scrub that stinky thing!! I don't eat off a dirty plate!!
Her thought...take a bath and use a product that they advertise for $19 that I guess makes ya less stinky and contains "gonadotropin"...some kinda libido shit...but more or less buy this damn product.
2. Be In The Moment
Dave thought...we are ALWAYS "in the moment" you dumbass!! If you are sticking pizza rolls in the damn microwave you are in a "moment"! Need to write to her and explain the philosophy of "time".
Her thought...buy a book from some Phd from Indiana that tells you to ( and I swaer to God this is what it says ) "Start by sitting quietly for 10 minutes every morning, concentrating on your breath as it enters and leaves your body".
What in the living hell does that have to do with getting good nookie at night?? I mean nothing says I love you like sex in the morning...but damn! When I wake up with something stiff I am really hoping to find my wife right next to me to help me out rather than searching the house and find her sitting like Ghandi!
Please be forewarned...this one fucked me up on first thought...if you are squeamish please skip!
3. Say "Yes" To Cheese
Dave thought...HOLY SHIT!!! I say NO TO CHEESE!!! Get some Monistat 7 ya nasty ass!!!!
Her thought...buy another book by some woman who thinks eathing cheese...brie, whatever the hell that crap is ( us rednecks know american, swiss, and pray we NEVER see "fromunda"!!! ) and it contains some good chemicals and shit.
4. Pop Open Some Bubbly
Dave thought...real men don't drink champagne except one New Year's Eve...and that is because ya'll make us do it.
Her thought...get drunk!!
Hey!! We been using that tactic FOREVER!!! No woman needs a magazine to tell her that drinking booze makes for "better sex"! Well maybe not "better"...most of the time it's opening the car door to find your left shoe kinda sex but we are always ok with that!!
Ok folks I gotta break this into 3 parts...so there is the first 4.
Untill then...anoohter look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.