Yes folks Dave has returned to the hell that the wife refers to as "home". I am back in a wonderful embrace of her love while also trying to figure out how a 16 year old can actually be so damn stupid. Well she isn't relly "dumb"...just lost her sense of decent navigation. Stupid fucking Girl Scouts...sell some god damn cookies but can't teach girls how to not say yes to the first idiot they run across that promises them all the fun and prizes.
Hey dipshits! The man behind the curtain is a LOSER!!!!
Ok...sorry...had to get that out of my system.
Allright when I last left you on this topic we were dealing with another woman that has the brain power of oatmeal who writes shit to make other women happy. Apparently they all share that same mental equivalency. So let's dive into the next 4 things she has to say on the topic:
12 Simple ways to Have Better Sex Tonight
5. Strike a Pose Together
Dave thought...Huh? This bitch wants me to hop back into the 80's and "vogue" with my woman? No...sorry...that is a part of the 80's that should be dead. Strike a pose? Yeah...bend over the couch and I'll take a pic while I am...well...you know.
Her thought...actually I like what she says here, "Bending your body into different postions makes you stronger and more flexible, which can lead to better sex". Then she fucks it up by telling the woman to sign the guy up for yoga lessons too.
Gals...if you can bend over enough to lick your own crotch then I promise you...we will be MORE than happy. We don't need yoga...maybe some Viagra to make sure we can keep going for all of the positions you can bend into...but that's about it.
6. Pick Up The Phone
Dave thought...Hell Yeah!! This ain't no game show baby but you can phone a friend...as long as she is female and isn't so big that she has her own zip code.
Her thought...don't do "sexting" which I guess is sending nasty thoughts through text messages...talk dirty on the phone.
Women...look...we want dirty talk in person. On the phone is shit. Nobody has alot of fun playing with themselves while the other is saying nasty crap. Just come over...grab us by the back of the hair and say, "I want you to fuck the shit outta me".
Trust me...ALOT better results
7. Try Some New Products
Dave thought...ok...cause trust me babe just because it is called "Easy Off" doesn't mean it works in the bedroom.
Her thought...well pretty simple...by some KY jelly crap and see what happens.
Never understood why that stuff is named after the state I grew up in.
8. Skip the Small Talk
Dave thought...sure! If you want sex...just do it...talk is cheap anyway.
Her thought...Buy some stupid crap called "Lifestories" for $30 off of Amazon.
Well folks...that is all I can muster up tonight...9-12 coming soon. But guys please tell your women that these magazines are pointless!!
Untill then, once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.