Newscast

Well folks LeBron james FINALLY told us where he was going...and of course I was wrong. Chicago seemed like the best pick, but oh well. Funny thing about all of this, is that before "The Decision" all anyone could talk about was LeBron...and now after it's STLL all they can fucking talk about. It's enough to make you chew your own damn foot off.

So since the ONLY news seems to LeBron...I thought I would pay a little tribute to George Carlin and do one of his newscasts. Most all of these are his, a few are mine, and a few are his that I modified.

So enjoy reading something that has NOTHING to do with LeBron James.

Welcome to Askewed News with your host Dave Baker!!! Take it away Dave!

Thank you Buffy...ok let's first look at the headlines:

"21 killed in 21 gun salute"

"Off duty policeman was killed by an on duty criminal"

"And a Milwaukee man was arrested Thursday for attempting to use food stamps to mail a box of macaroni and cheese"

If that ain't nutty I don't know what is! Ok here some of our major stories

"A Denver man was arrested early this morning for trying to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank"

Wonder if he tried to use the "vacuum sytem" like they have for the drive thru at the bank

"Santa Fe Blvd. was the scene of a freak accident when 6 freaks in a camper crashed into 3 freaks in a van".

"Medical researchers in Texas have discovered a disease which has no symptoms! It is impossible to detect and has no cure...fortunately it has been confined to San Marcos".

Glad to hear they are keepin it for themselves!

"Right outside of Charlotte, North Carolina at the Carowinds amusement park, 27 people suffered 12 hours of continued whiplash when a man claiming to be the Devil highjacked a rollercoaster".

"In downtown Denver this morning a passenger shot 6 people on the downtown bus, then asked for a transfer and shot 6 people on the crosstown bus. Due to this incident RTD is dicontinuing the transfer system".

"News from the capital, a spokesman for the Obama administration has said that many dead people are only really sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits".

That sounds like something that asshole would say!

"The same spokesperson when asked what the real problem with healthcare was answered, 'People are just living too long! And it is damn hard to kill yourself by locking up in the garage with the car running when you own a Prius' ".

"Here are the results of the latest Gallup Poll:
48% of the people were not home.
32% of the people made believe they were not home and
20% of the people have no front door".

"Out on Kentucky Lake this past Thursday, police arrested a one armed man who was bothering other boaters by continuosly rowing in a circle".

"Scientists in Buenos Aires announced yesterday that they have discovered a cure for apathy...so far though no one gives a fuck".

"And this just in...a man who was attempting to walk around the world...drowned today!"

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR ( with some help from George...we miss you ) friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave