Sports Drama

Need to take a break from "bible study" and run my mouth...well ok my fingers and brain...about some of the crap happening in sports. First you guys should know that my morning routine deals with watching Mike and Mike and Espn's First Take. Plus I have espn radio ( 1600 am here in Denver area ) on until our local show comes at 2pm and then change over to our local news station ( 850 am ) because the guys that do our local crap here are both about 70 years old and even with my plethora of sports knowledge I have no damn clue what they are talking about. Who gives a crap about how good the CU basketball program was in 1966? Not my ass. But needless to say sports and knowledge of sports is very big in our home. The tv is either on espn or the history channel almost all day.

Ok...first let me say I am sick to fucking death about hearing the name "LeBron James". This has gotten worse than "Brett Favre watch"!! If you don't know about this you of course are my buddy Eduardo who lives in Argentina. But I will break it down for him too.

LeBron James was drafted #1 by the Cleveland Cavaliers ( oops...Hey Ed...it's basketball ) and the guy is always compared to Michael Jordan...who most people ( me included ) thinks was the best NBA player of all time. To look at him I swear he should be playing tight end in the NFL. He is very gifted physically and is probably the best player in the league right now. Well he is a free agent and EVERY team wants him. Trust me, if we had the space in cap room I would love him to come to Denver...but that ain't gonna happen...so there are a few teams that have been courting him and of course some other marquee players that are on the market.

Well he and a couple of other superstars, Dwayne Wade of Miami and Chris Bosh of Toronto had a little "secret meeting"...not really "secret" because espn has been saying they were gonna do it for over a month...to decide what they all wanted to do and where to go. Espn actually called the meeting a "summit". That befuddles me because that term is usually reserved for high ranking officials of countries and their meetings about global warming, oil, or killing the asshole who came up with the Ice Capades. And I don't think you can have a "summit" with only 3 people...a "get-together, a cookout, a circle jerk yes...but not a summit.

The opening time for teams to actually talk to these players starts at exactly 12:01 tonight...or tomorrow morning...however you wanna look at it.

But guys this has been EVERYTHING that the bastards on espn have been talking about! You can barely catch game scores because of it. I for one am sick to death...kinda like when the radio station would take a good hit...and play the fucker twice an hour if not three times and within a week you couldn't stand the damn song anymore. Maybe that is another reason why I only listen to talk radio.

Allright...to end this shit I am going to enlighten all what will take place. Last year LeBron said he wasn't going to wear the #23 anymore. It was of course Michael Jordan's # and he was wearing it in tribute. When he said that I knew exactly what was going to happen.

LeBron and Chris Bosh are going to Chicago ( the house that Jordan built ) to play with a VERY good point guard, Derrick Rose.

Dwayne Wade stays in Miami and they add Joe Johnson to help him.

Paul Pierce stays in Boston...unless Mark Cuban who owns the Dallas Mavericks resigns Dirk Nowitski ( sp? ) and he is enticed to go there.

Other than that it's just a buncha crap! Folks you heard it here first! Unless i am wrong and then will delete this post and explain to everyone that I don't watch basketball...which I really don't and could care less about it except for the college final four.

Allright...now that got that shit out of my system another wonderful piece of news has popped up. Apparently Michael Vick is still a fucking idiot. You all know what he did before to get in jail and be put on the shortest least possible by the NFL. Ed just google Michael Vick and you will learn all.

Now it would appear he had a birthday party at a public establishment and invited the public to attend...although he did charge a $50 cover charge. I guess it went bad and one of his buddies got shot. Isn't amazing that the government is trying everything they can to take away guns from people like us...but these mentally fuck challenged sports stars have as many as they want and ALWAYS seem to do something stupid with them?

The kicker in this case is that Vick's lawyer told the league that he had left this party HOURS before the shooting. Well through the wonderful world of technology we have surveillance cameras and it seems he left somewhere in the 3 minute range of the shooting. So not only is he tied up in one more case of cranial rectus ( which is a anatomically and politically correct way to say "he had his head up his ass" ) he lied to the league...the same league that let him come back with a "0 screw up tolerance policy".

So I am guessing...and hoping actually...that they kick his ass out for good. So many sports stars just don't get it. It's a priveledge to play professional sports. It's a JOB! They are PUBLIC figures. But somehow alot of them just don't get that and think they can do whatever the hell they want. And not to be rascist...because I am not...I hate everybody equally...but untill dumbass Ben Rothlisberger pulled a couple of sexual assault charges all of this completely retarded shit was done by black atheletes. Just off the top of my head I will try and run down a short list of some of the crimes by black athelets over the past 10 years or so.

Lawrence Taylor in jail for having sex with a 16 year old ( trial pending ). Vick 2 years in jail for dog fighting and cruelty. Nate Newton busted I think twice with about 150lbs of marijuana. Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the leg at a night club. Pacman Jones...about 10 felony charges for all kinds of shit. Rae Carruth in prison for having his wife murdered. OJ Simpson...I think just saying his name is enough...lord folks the list is too huge for me to even really scratch the surface but that should give you a little bit of an idea.

Maybe because of this shit is why I watch college sports more than professional.

You guys have any thoughts on this? Please feel free to leave some comments. Hey Ed...do the soccer players in Argentina ever get into stupid trouble like the guys over here?

Allright I'm done...cause just talking about it makes me madder than watching it unfold everyday on the damn tv!!

Till next time

Dave

Bible Study Part 2

Hopefully my first little experiment in this did not offend anyone. I mean as a kid I grew up listening to Bill Cosby and his jokes from the bible. Trust me folks there really is alot of funny stuff in there if you look at it from just a different perspective.

Ok last time we dealt with Adam and Eve, and of course I am assuming the mention of some other woman. They ate the apple because the serpent told Eve to and then got kicked out the pool. They had two kids, Cain and Abel.

Now in chapter 4 we find out that Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain tilled the ground. Some time passed and they both brought an offering to the Lord...Abel brought a sheep and Cain brought some fruit. The Lord didn't want fruit, but was happy with the sheep and then went to find some mint jelly to go with the lamb chops. This little action right here folks should go ahead and debunk the damn vegetarians. We were meant to eat meat...and lamb, if done right, is quite tasty!

So because the Lord didn't want Cain's veggies he got pissed and then rose up killed Abel...damn sibling rivalry. So now Cain basically gets the boot and he heads out to the "Land of Nod" and finds him a wife. Now I reread that whole part about 10 times and I could not find where the bible mentions where in the hell she came from...so I am guessing a mail order bride from Portugal or he located a Sears catalog and they were still listing those along with the wheel, fire, and the oh so popular fig leave bustierre.

After that we get into alot of begating and of course incest and Adam must a had a never ending account at the GNC for his vitamins because he lived to be 930 years old. I am 38 and my body already hurts all the damn time and I walk into rooms and have no clue why I am there...what do you think 930 would feel like? Plus when in the hell did Social Security kick in?? 876? Sheesh.

Ok...then the Lord checks in with the people and apparently they were screwing up and were wicked...not to be confused with our slang definition of wicked that the kids in Britain seem to find so hip. Once again folks I read through all of that part and I can't find any rules or guidelines or hell even a nice suggestion for what these people were supposed to be doing...were they shitting on the lawn? Peeing in other people's water bottles? What were they doing??

I have no clue but it must have been bad so the Lord gets hold of Noah...which is quite the fun story and where we pick up next time...most likely after I take a break to cover some other topics.

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Bible Study Part 1

Ok folks before you get mad at me please remember...I have been doing stand up comedy for years. In no way, shape or form am I trying to offend you or make you convert to anything. I grew up a Mormon and got my Eagle Scout through the church.

I watched another AMAZING new apocolyptic movie the other night. The first one is "The Road"...please note on this one that it is beyond emotionally draining. 20 min in I felt the need for shower.

The 2nd, "The Book Of Eli"...this was a little more kickass...BUT it got me thinking about the Bible.

Now we all know it really is the greatest story ever told...of course I scream for Moby Dick but no one agrees.

So just for shits and giggles I wanna play "devil's advocate" ( no pun intended ) and have a little comic fun.

In the first two chapters we have something that has messed my head up.

First

Genesis 1:26-28 (King James Version)

26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

OK!! Our? Us? Who is he talking to? I know...the Angels and all. I will concede that one even though I was kinda taught he did this shit all by himself back in the day.

But wait a minute folks "male and female"???? Huh?? Nope. First there was Adam and that was IT!!! And then in Chapter 2 verse 18 God realized it would kinda suck for Adam to be all by his self. Ya'll know the rest...Adam goes to sleep, he takes his rib and then BOOYAH!!! We get Eve...and then the woman does what they all do, she bites the apple and makes him eat it and he loses his oh so wonderful happy home.

Nowadays it is called divorce...you walk out with a pair of socks going "What the fuck just happened to all the shit I bought?"

But go back folks...if I am reading right there seems to be another "female" in the damn garden!!

Of course some people say this is Lilith and I asked Shelly about it and apparently I am an idiot or something and should have learned some crap from the damn "Davinci Code".

Folks I wasn't around for the Council of Nicea...I have no clue what in the hell these people are talking about! Adam got made, took a nap, woke with a hot woman, she got horny due to the snake...the one in the grass or the one Adam had...they freaked out and threw some damn leaves on and then God kicked em out the pool. Then of course the incest happened and the origianl sibling rivalry ( which lets you know...don't have more than one kid!! ) but I will deal with that or something else at another time.

Once again look into the mind of YOUR friendly Neighborhood comic!

Dave

Chess Openings

I have done a few posts on chess since I started this blog and I feel I need to at least go off a little on openings and defences...but quickly I got to say something.

Apparently some woman is screaming that she has the "love child" of Bobby Fischer...so they are gonna dig his ass up and do some damn DNA crap. I know it's law and shit but damn folks...this just has a tint of sacreligious to me. I am going to say one thing about Bobby and then I will rest. He was the best...bar none. Karpov, Kasparov, Anand...I don't give a damn. Bobby was the BEST. As for his role in life apart from the 64 squares...I do not like one bit of it. Remember folks...there is a fine line between genius and stone cold fuck nuts...he passed it.

Remember him for his contribution to the 64 squares...and let's all try to forget the other crap.

Ok...as most know I play on Gameknot. There is another chess site that I actually helped build...but we won't talk about that one. So let's talk some openings.

When I was a kid I learned the Ruy Lopez for white and the Sicillian Najdorf for black ( both of Fischer's faves ). I used these two for years and then one day I made an order to Chess Digest and Ken Smith picked up the phone...he was one of Bobby's buddies back in the day. He started telling me that I will never get better untill I start putting gambits into my repertoire. He said, "Dave, you will fight alot harder being a pawn down".

I took that shit to heart. Tactics and strong endgame play are what make a chess player. Not memorizing 30 moves deep on the QGA. So I started playing around with openings that not alot of people played. I fell in love with the Philidor...and 15 years later it is still my main defence against 1.e4, and in a speed game I will throw the Philidor Counter Gambit on your ass and you will walk away mumbling...I almost beat Asa Hoffman with it. The Scotch Gambit! Took GM Gregory Kaidanov to about move 63 before I lost on time with that bad boy. The Balogh ( 1.e4 d6 2.Nf3 f5! ) spent alot of time talking and working with FM Keith Hayward on that one.

Against 1.d4 I almost always play the Benko Gambit now...got to meet Pal Benko when he had a layover at Charlotte Douglass airport...an amazing man.

So I guess what I am trying to say is don't always play the solid lines...play some shit that opens things up. You might lose but damn..it's just a game! Have fun!!

The masterpieces come from the obscure...not the things that have been analyzed to death.

Life is short my friends...and if you want to paint a picture...don't be afraid to play something that states, "Hey...either you get me or I am gonna get you...no draws today by God!!"

Once again a look into the mind of not only YOUR friendly Neighborhood comic...but your chess master as well.

Dave

Sports Headlines: Rant

I wanna go over a few of the things that of course is in the wide world of sports and all over the news and ESPN...but not the good ones...just the shit that is pissing me off.

World Cup

Ok folks...this was REALLY supposed to get America to love soccer in that we have a pretty good team and we got England right off the bat. Needless to say I watched it and we tied ( will get to that crap in a minute ) them. But after 15 minutes in I had to mute the damn TV due to those stupid fucking vuvuzela horns. What in the hell is wrong with those people? The damn things sound like a herd of West Nile mosquitoes and they blew the bastards for hours straight. Shelly asked me from the kitchen what in the hell was wrong with the TV and then asked if I had switched over to Animal Planet and was watching a documentary on bees. I of course informed her that apparently soccer fans are not only stupid but apparently tone deaf as well.

2nd...what in the hell is up with the timekeeping in this crap? All of the sudden 4 extra minutes get thrown onto the clock and NOBODY knows it untill some dumbass on the field that has a stopwatch and some form of Uno cards in his pocket tells them what the time should be. Folks...this is why Football in America will always rule over this mindless crap.

Finally...ties. This is just plain damn stupid. Give me a winner! We hate ties over here...they screw up the rating system...which is why most of us hate hockey and soccer...although hockey has started working on that shit with the shootout which is what soccer should do. I say if time runs out and the score is tied...no more kicking the damn ball. Flip a coin, winner gets the ball first, pick the damn thing up and play some rugby type shit and run over people and try to dive into the damn net. First team in wins. Simple and i bet would make people like it alot more.

College Football Conference Expansion

This was beyond fun for the past week. ESPN and other websites and me and my friends have been going nuts over a huge Pac-10 and the Big Ten and most likely the SEC getting up to 16 teams and trying to figure out where the leftovers would go from the Big 12 and the Big East ( which I said the MWC and the ACC would swallow up the teams nobody wanted )...but BLAM!! Texas gets a promise of money thrown at them and no more expansion. The damn "insiders" at ESPN really screwed the pooch on this crap. I am left so unsatisfied...kinda like getting some on the first date and then nothing for 6 dates after. As Granpa Joe said in Willie Wonka, "How can you build up a little boy's dreams and then smash them to pieces?" Now I am back to speculating exactly how much more soccer I can put up with before I stick a fish scaler through my temple.

Strasburg

Hey dumbasses! We knew he was awesome to begin with! I have only seen film on his college career for over a year. He was unhittable then...and the big boys can't hit him either. All of the sudden the analysts at ESPN act like they are giving Miss Cleo a run for her money by predicting this shit. Go back to Favre watch and figure that shit out cause we all knew about this.

Well folks that is about all I can muster up today without my head exploding like a zit on a 16 year old...so once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave